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'Twas The Nitro Before Christmas

Originally published December 18, 2017

For more than a decade, Canadian Bulldog has been composing off-beat, quirky Christmas Carols for the offbeat, quirky world of pro wrestling. Here's another one...


‘Twas the Nitro before Christmas

And all through the ring

Not a creature was stirring

Except The Man They Call Sting


The turnbuckles were hung

By the ring ropes with care

With hopes that the Nitro Girls

Soon would be there


Eric Bischoff was nestled

All snug in his bed

While visions of big ratings

Danced in his head


Mongo McMichael

Had a dog in his lap

The West Texas Rednecks

Performed “Rap Is Crap”


When out in the ring

There arose such a clatter

The cruiserweights were battling

Up on a ladder


Out on the ramp

Bischoff flew like a flash

He saw Shannon Moore

Beating up Lash


“Save it for the show!”

Bischoff barked to his crew

“The first hour, we’ve got Kidman

Going against Lash LeRoux”


When, what to Bischoff’s

Wondering eyes should appear

But the new World order

Chugging some beer


“Stop drinking!” he yelled

Chastising Scott Hall

“We’re already booked that segment

For the next SuperBrawl!”


A Hummer then pulled up

So lively and quick.

It must be Hulk Hogan,

The father of Nick

(well… and of Brooke…. but that hardly rhymes)


“Hollywood,” said Eric

“Why are you here?

Your contract only calls for

Four matches a year!”


“About that,” said Hogan.

“I can’t pay my rent.

Either give me a bonus

Or find a new main event.”


The power play left Easy E

Very upset

He was going to have Hogan

Fight David Arquette


“Now Booker! Now Bagwell! Now Goldberg! Now Page!

On Luger! On Giant! All you - get in a cage!

We’re having a seven-man War Games tonight

The winner, for some reason, will be Alex Wright!”


“And because I believe

Controversy Creates Cash,

We’ll next have Madusa

Against Kevin Nash!”


“And then we’ll have Kanyon

Go over Ric Flair.

While Scott Steiner shows up

And shaves off his hair!”


And then, in a twinkling,

Bischoff heard on the roof

Disco Inferno

Who was being a goof


Then the fat man arrived

Sporting a beard

No, not Santa Claus –

Mark Madden had appeared


Mark Madden was joined

By Tony and Heenan

To announce as Bret Hart

Got screwed by The KISS Demon


“Welcome to the greatest night

In the history of our business,”

Schiavone announced,

as they had a Dusty Finish.


Schiavone soon said

“Time’s run out on this fight,

So tune into Nitro and

Have a great night!”

Canadian Bulldog's Christmas Carols

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