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Dear Sheiky...

Originally published June 2, 2009

Dear Sheiky

In the grand tradition of advice columns from Vince Russo and Scott Steiner, former WWF World Champion The Iron Sheik is the latest sports entertainer to substitute for Canadian Bulldog, by providing his unique advice on every day problems:

Dear Sheiky,


I'm hoping you can help me settle this dispute once and for all. I recently received a tax refund and deposited the check into my personal savings account. The check is in my name only because I get that money for my son from a previous marriage. When my husband discovered that I hadn't deposited the check into the joint account, he became furious. He's now threatening to divorce me if I don't give in to his demand. My husband has his own personal and business accounts. Should I give in and put the funds into our joint account or stand firm and let him play out his threats?


Conflicted In Chesapeare



Lemme tell ya somethin', yeh dumb jay-bronee. Intell'gent rasslin' fans know I emm numbayre one double-you, double-you heff champ-yan! Thet fah-king Verne Gayn-yah, he wants me to come break leg of thet Hollywood bleach-blond jabronee American Hogayne! En then, two yerrs, I defeat Howdy Doody Bub Backlan 'n' the middle of Madsen Square Garden! I tell Meester Verne Gayn-yah.... he ken go fahk heemselfs to hell!


Dear Sheiky,


I don't come from a particularly close family or anything, but I was aghast that my only sister wouldn't show up for our father's funeral! There was some bad blood between my sister and our parents that goes back several years, although I don't pretend to know all of the details. I can appreciate that they had a falling out, but what kind of impression does this send to the rest of the family when she isn't even there when our dad dies? What approach would you suggest I take to tell her (respectfully) that I think her actions were wrong, and that if she doesn't make amends soon, it could mean permanent damage to our family?


Deeply Troubled



Gene Mean - lemme tell yeh, Th' Iran Sheik ees never scared of no one! NO ONE! Thet feh-king jaybroni jew, Bry-ayn Blayr! His part-nayre The Jem Bruzell, I respeck him from Men-sota where he train with that bastard Verne Gayn-yah, man! Tito Sentenna. Fred Blessey. Nick Backvinkel. Kirk Henneg. Greg The Val-antine. American Hogayne. Then I fah-kin' kick thet jay-broni Bry-ayn Blayr's ass in Pontyac Sunfire, in frun teff ninety-thousan' intell'gent fens for Kennedy McMen's RassleMen-yah!



Dear Sheiky,


I have two children from a previous marriage, and I am just having a dickens of time transitioning them into a blended family .My new spouse, who has a young daughter of her own, has been wonderful at being there for my kids while not overstepping her bounds. My children just want their mother back, and I certainly sympathize with the emotions they must be going through. Still, I don't think it's too much to ask that the five of us create a loving, stable home of our own. I try to include them in all the family decisions and events, but they are still largely indifferent to the situation. I've even tried talking to them, in the hopes that we can at least open up the lines of the communication, but so far, nothing. What can you suggest I do? I'm really at my wits end here.


Heartbroken in Huntsville



Meester cameramen, zoom in on-a dese abs! No one has more res-peck than the Original Iran Sheik, yeh know! I vas bodygar for deh Shaw eff Eeran. I defeated bleach-blond phony American Hogayne in Madsen Square Gardayne!I's training the uhlimpic American rasslin' champions, an' these feh-king stoopad jay-bronis dunn respeck me, man! That stow-pit Brutish The Biffcake, all he fah-kin do is sack up to thet jay-bronee American Hogayne! Jess like Jell-belly Him and hezz dumb hellbelly cuzzens!



Dear Sheiky,


I'm wondering if you can help me. I am the toughest man I know, and yet people still don't respect me. I feel as though these no-good bastards are nothing but f*cking jabronis whom I will humble if they don't start to respect me.What ever shall I do?


Sheik's Humbling Is Terrific



Dear SHIT,


I understand -- and even sympathize -- with what you're trying to accomplish. But is that really the best way to get your message across?


I would suggest talking to this individual and seeing if you can't find out what the underlying issues are at play here.I'm reminded of a similar conversation I had once with a colleague by the name of American Hogan. Once we figured out the root of the problem, a solution was easily attainable.


Try it. I daresay you may be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.


Dear Sheiky,


What do you think is the best strategy for removing stubborn stains from carpets? I've tried everything from professional steam-clean machines to expensive store-bought concoctions. I've even tried to use a disinfectant known as "Pleasant Lemon" to mask the unpleasant odor. Any suggestions?


Home during the day



Th' Sheik always deh numbayre one, toughest rassler in deh wurl! I beat Howdy Doody Bub Blackman fer double-you, double-you heff tag tem champion at Mad'sen Square Gardens! Twen-ny years, no one can get bell off Sheiky. Then this no-good baystard American Hogayne pez off Kennedy Mc-Men weth fifty mell-yon dollars, tells that bastard fay-got Verne Gayn-yah, American Rasslin' Ay-so-shun, to break my fah-king legs! Eee-ran, Numbayre One! Ruh-shah, Numbayre One! Amer'ca - hock, ptoo!

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