BEST OF BULLDOG
Dear Vinnie Ru...
Originally published April 10, 2007
"Practical Advice That'z Based On REALITY!!!"
In the grand tradition of advice columns from Scott Steiner and The Iron Shiek, former WCW World Champion Vince Russo is the latest sports entertainer to substitute for Canadian Bulldog, by providing his unique advice on every day problems:
Dear Vinnie Ru,
I have been married for nine years, and I'm worried that my husband is beginning to get bored with me.
Now… he never says anything to that effect, but the "spark" we had in the early days clearly is no longer there. Gerald is a loyal, honest family man, and it's not that I am concerned about him being unfaithful. I just want to make sure that our relationship is satisfying for both of us.
What would you suggest?
Concerned Over Wedlock
There are numerouz problemz that can occur in a marriage after nine yearz, but the good newz is… you're not alone!
Make sure to satifzy "Gerald" (a great name that'z rife for parody, by the way) in the bedroom, pullin' out all the bellz and whiztlez… if you know what I mean! It'll work; I'm tellin' ya, bro. Then, when you've got him wrapped around your finger… deliver the most SHOCKING SWERVE anyone has ever seen and dump his roody-poo candy-ass!
Now, I realize that may seem a little cruel… but the REALITY is, people don't wanna see marriagez last anymore! Dump his ass before he dumps yourz!!!
Dear Vinnie Ru,
I recently lost my dear Aunt Rita, and there's something of a dispute in my family over her last wishes.
I spent a fair amount of time with her as a child, and truly believe that she would have wanted her funeral to be a tasteful, dignified affair. My sister, however, feels that Aunt Rita would have wanted ALL of her nieces and nephews to participate in the memorial service, including her daughter performing a song! On the other hand, her brother who is in a retirement home, is adamant that we skip a formal service altogether because it will be a "downer."
Unfortunately, Aunt Rita never clarified her preferences for a funeral service, so we're all left guessing what would be appropriate. What would you do in this situation?
Prudent Family Member
Here'z how I'd book the funeral:
Firzt and foremost, you want plenty of short segmentz, 5 to 10 minutez max, so that Old Cousin Charlie in the back don't FALL ASLEEP! Make sure there'z somethin' to do for everyone, so that youse ain't wasting any of your talent.
Surprizez are also a welcome addition to any family gathering. So if you know that your Aunt Reetar had the hotz for her neighbor or whatnot… now iz the time to spill it! Don't hold back on ANYTHING; it ain't like standardz and practicez can bitch about it afterwardz. This is REALITY we're talkin' about here!
And if your sizter wantz her little girl to sing… LET HER! But then, right as she'z about to start… get a midget to show up and imperzonate her! I guaran-damn-tee you that it will be the highest-rated quarter hour of the entire event!!!
Dear Vinnie Ru,
I work for a medium-sized accounting firm, and am planning a dinner party that includes several of my company's higher-ups.
The issue is, I am of the Jewish faith and because the party is in my home, I would like to keep the meal kosher. But admitting that it's a kosher meal may not sit well with some people in my company, whom I have heard mock my religious beliefs behind my back. I'd like to think that, in this day and age, people are more tolerant, but I don't want to be passed over at work because of office politics.
So I guess what I'm asking is, should I put my job ahead of my religion, or vice versa?
Decided I'm Catering Kosher
Bro.... I hear what you're sayin' about office politicz. Just BRING IT… that'z what I alwayz say! And even though I am a Born Again Chriztian, I feel you should have the right to exprezz yourself however you see fit! The REALITY of the situation is, there were a ton of Jewz around me when I grew up in New York City… and none of them ever cauzed me any problemz! Except for that prick Bill Goldberg.
So here'z what I'd do: make a BIG DEAL of the fact that you're catering a kosher meal - leak word of it to the dirtsheetz, the Internet, everywhere. Then when all your diztinguished guestz show up… introduce them to your "rabbi", who just happenz to be a 450 pound African-American!
Judging by similar projectz I've done, the crowd will be in stitchez before the challah hits the table! Your bossez will be laughing so hard… they'll forget what they were so uptight about in the firzt place!!!
Dear Vinnie Ru,
I've tried to keep my mouth shut about this... but it's not cool.
My employer refuses to turn me babyface, even that's what everyone wants to see Car… I mean, see me do. And as though that wasn't enough, they managed to keep me off the biggest show of the year to make room for people who aren't nearly as cool as Car… I mean, as I am.
Do you agree that... dass not cool?
Cool Under Nasty Terms
Here's the freakin' problem, bro: everyone knowz you now, and so they're ztereotyping you into being one type of character. It doesn't MATTER what your name is! And I agree with you… it IZN'T cool! You need something that'z based on REALITY!!!
So here'z what you do: get arrested for drugz or something in real life, and then after you get all kindz of publizity, turn it into your gimmick. Inztead of bein' Carlito Cool, you can be Garcia The Ruthless Colombian Drug Lord!
If that ain't a freakin' license to print money… I don't know what iz!