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Remember WWF's Hasbro wrestling figures? Staples of the 1990s, these misshapen toys had tiny levers, knobs and spring-loaded limbs, and were "so close to the real thing, it's like being in the ring!" (tm Jesse Ventura).
We here at Wrestling Merchandise and Memories LOVE them, as well as their more recent WWE Retro cousins that Mattel produced. For the past eight years, we've hosted a competition to determine the best figures.
This year's event is Retro Rumble 2023, a Royal Rumble-like event featuring 30 WWF Hasbro and WWE Retro figures. Check back each week and scroll through the photos below to see who will win!
WEEK ONE
Welcome, everyone, to Retro Rumble 2023! We're about to set off on a five-week journey to determine who the best Hasbro or Retro is. So sit back, relax in your favorite easy chair, get that good stuff out of the fridge and prepare to be royally entertained!
We're about to announce our first entrant....
We're about to announce our first entrant....
It's Wrestling Superstar Virgil out at number one!
Devotees will remember that The Messiah of Meatsauce has somehow won the last two Retro Rumbles, despite overwhelming odds.
Let's see who drew number two...
Devotees will remember that The Messiah of Meatsauce has somehow won the last two Retro Rumbles, despite overwhelming odds.
Let's see who drew number two...
By fire and brimstone, that's gotta be Kane!
Kane is going to be a BIG problem for Virgil... and not necessarily for the obvious reasons you'd think!
Kane is going to be a BIG problem for Virgil... and not necessarily for the obvious reasons you'd think!
Last year, at the conclusion of Retro Rumble 2022, "Kane" unmasked to be revealed as Virgil.
The Big Red Machine didn't take kindly to the impression and he's been upset ever since.
And now, destiny has put these two together as # 1 and # 2 in this year's event!
The Big Red Machine didn't take kindly to the impression and he's been upset ever since.
And now, destiny has put these two together as # 1 and # 2 in this year's event!
Right off the bat, Kane grabs the neck of Virgil and picks him for a chokeslam!
Will this confrontation be over before it begins?
Will this confrontation be over before it begins?
Kane picks Virgil off the ground, and prepares to toss him out of the ring!
Virgil goes over the top rope.... and holds on to the middle rope for security. Virgil has not been eliminated yet!
We're getting set for our next entrant. Who will it be?
We're getting set for our next entrant. Who will it be?
The British Bulldog (no relation to "Canadian Bulldog") is out next. He should be able to do some damage in this match!
Kane has his eyes on eliminating Virgil, but perhaps he should be paying more attention to The British Bulldog, who has just entered the ring.
Demonstrating his superhuman strength, The British Bulldog hoists Kane high above his head for a gigantic press slam.
The British Bulldog sends Kane to the ropes, and with the unintentional help of Virgil, Kane flies over the top, and has been the first competitor eliminated!
We're waiting now for the next entrant...
We're waiting now for the next entrant...
The Honky Tonk Man is here, with his manager Colonel Jimmy Hart in tow (now that he has his own Retro figure).
What kind of impact will The Greatest Intercontinental Champion Of All Time have on this match?
What kind of impact will The Greatest Intercontinental Champion Of All Time have on this match?
Wait one minute! What is Jimmy Hart doing on the ring apron? He's shouting obscenities at The British Bulldog, who is unlikely to take this kind of verbal abuse.
The British Bulldog wallops Jimmy Hart, knocking off the ring apron.
But The Honky Tonk Man is behind The Bulldog... he should have learned his lesson after the way he snuck up on Kane a few short minutes ago.
But The Honky Tonk Man is behind The Bulldog... he should have learned his lesson after the way he snuck up on Kane a few short minutes ago.
Sure enough, The Honky Tonk Man wallops The British Bulldog over the head with Jimmy Hart's megaphone, forcing him fall down in a heap.
HTM turns his attention now to Lonely Virgil, who is still comatose on the ring apron.
HTM turns his attention now to Lonely Virgil, who is still comatose on the ring apron.
With some assistance from The Mouth Of The South, Jimmy Hart "helps" Virgil find his way back into the ring, as Honky Tonk Man delivers a huge suplex.
But wait - he's not done with punishing the former bodyguard yet!
But wait - he's not done with punishing the former bodyguard yet!
The Honky Tonk Man calls Jimmy Hart back onto the ring apron and asks for Hart's megaphone.
Unfortunately, The British Bulldog is just out of camera range and unable to right this kind of blatant cheating.
Unfortunately, The British Bulldog is just out of camera range and unable to right this kind of blatant cheating.
BUT WAIT! Virgil ducks out of the way just in time. The Honky Tonk Man clobbers Jimmy Hart with his own megaphone.
We're getting ready for our next entrant...
We're getting ready for our next entrant...
It's The Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase!
In past Retro Rumbles, DiBiase has tried to buy his way to victory. We have a feeling he may try to spread some money around here tonight...
In past Retro Rumbles, DiBiase has tried to buy his way to victory. We have a feeling he may try to spread some money around here tonight...
In the ring, The Million Dollar Man lays into his former bodyguard, while Honky Tonk Man turns his attention to The British Bulldog who, thankfully, is back in camera range again.
Working as a team, DiBiase and Honky Tonk work over The British Bulldog and combine their strength to eliminate Davey Boy from the match.
The shaky alliance between The Honky Tonk Man and The Million Dollar Man continue, as they now begin to work over the two-time Retro Rumble winner, Virgil.
It's time for another entrant...
It's time for another entrant...
Coming out at number six, it's The Texas Tornado!
Will Tornado be the difference maker in this match? We kind of doubt it, but let's find out together!
Will Tornado be the difference maker in this match? We kind of doubt it, but let's find out together!
The Texas Tornado comes in like a proverbial house of fire, delivering an elbowsmash to The Million Dollar Man and a discus punch to The Honky Tonk Man.
Virgil continues to do nothing.
Virgil continues to do nothing.
The Texas Tornado measures The Honky Tonk Man for a clothesline over the top rope... but what's this?
The Million Dollar Man comes back from behind and dumps both competitors out of the ring.
So much for friendships in The Retro Rumble! If you can't trust a tuxedo-wearing millionaire with an evil laugh, who can you trust??
The Million Dollar Man comes back from behind and dumps both competitors out of the ring.
So much for friendships in The Retro Rumble! If you can't trust a tuxedo-wearing millionaire with an evil laugh, who can you trust??
Learn More About Canadian Bulldog
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