BEST OF BULLDOG
If Ya Smelllll... What The Rock... Is Kissin'
Originally published October 7, 2014
Earlier this year, I was strolling through a neighborhood dollar store when I feasted my eyes on the box above. Never mind that the product is almost 15 years old while the store itself has been around for about five. Never mind that the box was ripped on top and probably missing the "teacher" card. Never mind that I had no one to give a Valentine's card to, let alone one from the Attitude Era. And never mind that there was no price tag on this bad boy. I knew immediately that I had to have it.
The first thought I had was: who actually bought these in the early 2000's? Sure, wrestling was quite popular at the time (at least until the Monday Night Wars ended and we were stuck with a fairly lazy monopoly in the business), but I still can't imagine anyone thinking sweaty men in underwear = romantic.
And yes, I realize these are the type of Valentine's that are handed out en masse in grade school and carry pretty much the same romatic properties as Spider Man or Garfield. And yes, when I was a young stupid mark wrestling fan back in the day I would have loved something like this. But I'm not entirely sure the entire class (or more importantly, the girl you had a crush on - and I don't mean crush as in "Kona Crush") would appreciate them quite as much.
To wit, the set I found includes.....
You're the People's Valentine!
Card bears the likeness of: The Rock
What this card says to a potential mate: You are the most electrifying valentine in sports and entertainment.
Give this one to: The cute red-headed girl that you know you don't have a shot with, but hey, publicly stating that you know how popular she is probably isn't the worst
Alternate card caption: It doesn't
MATTER what your name is!
You're the best valentine eeeeeeever!
Card bears the likeness of: Chris Jericho.
What this card says to a potential mate: You'll probably only be around on a part-time basis.
Give this one to: The assclown who's always skipping study hall, junior!
Alternate card caption: Will you please shut the hell up... valentine?
Oh, you didn't know? It's Valentine's Day!
Card bears the likeness of: Road Dogg.
What this card says to a potential mate: You knew when Valentine's Day was. Nice work, Captain Obvious.
Give this one to: The ugly kid who sits in the back of the mostly picks his or her nose.
Alternate card caption: If you're not down with that, I got two words for ya - LOVE YOU!
You're Too Cool
Card bears the likeness of: Too Cool.
What this card says to a potential mate: You're a comedy act only popular because of your affiliation with a fat Samoan in a thong.
Give this one to: The guy who will beat you up if you give an actual romantic-sounding card.
Alternate card caption: Wanna see my W-O-R-M? Then back that ass up!
Happy Valentine's Day... And That's The Bottom Line!
Card bears the likeness of: Stone Cold Steve Austin.
What this card says to a potential mate: You'd like to have a special someone over for a couple of beers (WHAT?), a kick to the gut (WHAT?), a stunner (WHAT?) and a round of middle fingers (WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?).
Give this one to: Definitely not a wrestling fan... because they may cray when they see this item.
Alternate card caption: Austin 3:16 says I just grabbed your ass.
You're a winner in the valentine game!
Card bears the likeness of: Triple H.
What this card says to a potential mate: You're just with her for her money and power.
Give this one to: The okay-looking one you've been friends with since second grade... and since you're not getting anywhere with the redhead...
Alternate card caption: You're a solid B+ player, and sleeping with me is what's best for business.
The Rock's Cookin' Up A Happy Valentine's Day!
Card bears the likeness of: The Rock.
What this card says to a potential mate: What you consider "cookin'" she considers acting kind of like a huge douchebag.
Give this one to: Anyone in class dumb enough to think "The Rock" is some sort of celebrity chef.
Alternate card caption: Finally... The Rock... has come.