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First thing's first: No, I didn't actually set my laptop computer on fire in the above photo. 


Much like that episode of The Simpsons where Mayor Quimby was sweating profusely during his televised debate, the flames were added electronically (by Channel Six). I was attempting to emulate Bill Goldberg's ring entrance during the WCW Monday Nitro era, with the pyro and the smoke and what have you.


A little background on the product in question: this was a "Pencil Shredder" created in 1999 by "Trendmasters Inc." (a company I guarantee you is no longer in business). Trendmasters (heh) only made two such shredders - one of Goldberg and one of Kevin Nash. I can only imagine the behind-the-scenes wars these two had.

This lily-white (seriously, he must go to the same tanning salon as Sheamus!) rendering of Da Man is about the size of most wrestling action figures back in the day. So if you didn't have an articulated Goldberg, this would work in a pinch.


For point of reference, it's about twice the size of this Batman Funko, and just slightly shorter than the Dwight Schrute bobblehead.


But where Goldie differs from the bobbleheads in question (besides the fact that he's not, you know, a bobblehead at all) is that hidden right below Big Bill's arm is a discreet pencil sharpener.... er, sorry Trendmasters.... "SHREDDER". Because everything in the 1990's was taken to the EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!


Testing out the shredding power some 16 years later, it seems to do an okay but not great job.


I'll be honest; I'm not sure what I was expecting here. I knew the SHREDDER!!!!! wasn't electronic in nature, so to get any kind of result you have to kind of turn your pencil around in the general vicinity of Goldberg's armpit . It makes the pencil sharp enough, I guess.


As a side note.... you can create a very cool visual by sticking a pencil (in this case, my daughter's Disney Princess pencil) into Goldberg's back and snapping a photo like the one above.


The pained expression on Goldberg's face is just.... well, perfect, as he seems to be in legitimate agony because this long, narrow Disney Princess object is jammed into his back. "DAMN YOU, BULLDOG! You couldn't have at least used a more masculine pencil?" is the phrase he'd probably use. Assuming Pencil Shredders could talk.


And yes.... I'm just realizing right now that the above photo would have looked way more badass had I electronically added flames.



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