BattleMania 5

RULES OF THE ROAD

We've looked at various episodes of BattleMania before, the WWF comic book in the early 1990s that outlined such epic battles as Big Boss Man and The Undertaker fighting at a funeral homeVirgil being forced to defend himself against The Million Dollar Man in DiBiase's own mansion and The Ultimate Warrior trying to stop Sgt. Slaughter from an act of (possible) terrorism.

But the creative folks at Valiant Comics outdid themselves with this tale of the road during the fifth issue of the comic book, cover dated March 1992.

"Rules of the Road" begins with future WWE Hall of Famers The Legion of Doom (Hawk and Animal) criss-crossing the country on their customized LOD motorcycle, not a care in the world as the men who snack on danger and dine on death are planning some sort of vacation. Because if there's one thing we know about WWF's independent contractors in the early 1990s, it's that they had a ton of time to pursue their own interests.

Soon, The Legion of Doom come across a family in distress at the side of road, as BattleMania was contractually obligated to add everyday people to these stories about professional wrestlers in EVERY SINGLE STORY.

 

Mom is concerned about these face-painted, roided-up men in spiked shoulderpads for some reason, but LOD quickly fix the car... just in time for the police to arrive!

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Once Hawk gets rid of his stash (or so I'd assume), The LOD turn their attention to a Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane-type, who decides to ask The Road Warriors for a little bribe-ski.

 

Hawk and Animal manhandle the PoPo and toss him into a trash can, which probably wasn't the wisest move, legally speaking. Where's Paul Ellering when you need him??

As The LOD drive off, Medium Boss Man throws a crowbar at their bike (sound effect: KALUNK), forcing the whole thing to break apart. This tells me that either the crooked cop is a genius, or that Hawk and Animal are driving a really shitty hog.

The Generic Family offer to give LOD a lift into town so they can fix their bike; Hawk and Animal are so grateful they treat the family to lunch at their favorite biker bar, complete with a cigar-chomping chef named Cookie (a tribute to Beetle Bailey? Why?).

 

But it turns out, two ruffians have destroyed the whole bar, ostensibly to send a message to The Legion Of Doom. Or possibly to Cookie.

Instead of, I don't know, calling the cops or something, LOD and Generic Family decide to visit all of their friends in town, who have all been victimized by two big men. This includes a local pet shop, which includes monkeys, snakes, alligators, bears, a lion and a scorpion.

 

WHAT KIND OF F*CKING PET SHOP HAS THAT KIND OF INVENTORY?

It's only after their visit to the Craziest Pet Shop Ever that Hawk and Animal realize that the two men who have been trashing their friends' haunts are Earthquake and Typhoon -- The Natural Disasters!

 

Could this sudden rivalry be based on the fact that both teams have advanced past the first round of The 4th Annual Hasbro/Retro Classic? Possibly. All this to say, shit is on.

The LOD-Disasters brawl is reaching new levels, when our friend the crooked (and I'm just assuming, racist) cop threatens to hurt an innocent falcon if The Legion Of Doom don't lay down and do the J-O-B (sound effect: THOOOM). What an oddly specific request for a law enforcement officer to make.

Just when things look darkest for our heroes, the falcon attacks Roscoe to scare him back to Hazard County, and The LOD's friend (including Cookie!) show up out of nowhere to give Hawk and Animal some much-needed backup. Generic Mom is looking particularly badass while wielding some sort of tire iron.

Frightened off by a falcon gone rogue and a tire iron-wielding housewife, The Natural Disasters and the crooked cop go running off into the sunset, possibly turning their attention to The Quebecers or some shit.

 

Meanwhile, Hawk and Animal talk to their mechanic to assess the damages from earlier. Not the damages from their city-wide brawl with Earthquake and Typhoon, but damages to their motorcycle from earlier in the story. The eyepatch-wearing mechanic (never a good sign, btw) explains it will two weeks to repair (WTF?) so they can borrow his sportscar in the meantime.

 

Generic Mom asks Hawk and Animal where they're going on vacation anyways, to which they reply "Disney Land!"

 

LOLZ.

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