BEST OF BULLDOG
Zombie Andre The Giant Terrorizes Village
Originally published April 17, 2007
(A Small Town In France) - A zombified version of legendary wrestler Andre The Giant was discovered here, terrorizing this tiny French village.
"Sacre bleu!" shouted villager Rene Martel. "Un grande cheval dans la chaussette ce soir!" (Which, in English, would roughly translate to: "A big horse is in the sock tonight." Our translation skills here suck major ass… pardon my French.)
"I've never seen anything quite like him," exclaimed townsperson Jean-Pierre Vachon, who spoke perfect English for some reason. "He can barely move, just kind of dragging his feet everywhere he goes, and he walks with a stoop, as though he's in constant pain."
Zombie Andre The Giant, as he's known by villagers, stands over eight feet tall and weighs in excess of six hundred pounds, according to resident Hulque D'hogan. He has curly black hair, a grotesque set of teeth, and sideburns that are flowing dangerously out of control.
Fortunately, the walking dead version of the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Famer appears to be mostly docile, and will keep to himself if provided with mass quantities of alcohol.
"He must have gone through three or four hundred bottles of wine," explained local Raymond Grenier. "And that was just this morning!"
Some villagers have become concerned, however, when Zombie Andre The Giant tries to communicate with them in his primitive language.
"He walked over to me and said something to the effect of 'Ho ho - I tull you agenn ees all thu woreld, meen jeen!'" according to eyewitness Jacques Martel. "Was that English? French? Dutch? I couldn't tell you…"
Still, the town council concedes that Zombie Andre The Giant makes for a great tourist attraction, and is willing to take steps to ensure he doesn't harm anyone through vicious chokes or headbutts.
"We understand he's deathly afraid of snakes," explained Mayor Frenchy Dupree.