BEST OF BULLDOG
WWE Unveils 'Sealed Cardboard Box' Match
Originally published November 11, 2010
(Tempe, AZ) - World Wrestling Entertainment has introduced its latest specialty bout: the devastating Sealed Cardboard Box match.
"I got the idea after firing one of my employees," WWE Chairman Vince McMahon explained to Breaking News recently while standing in line at Starbucks. "She started packing up her belongings and what have you into a bankers' box.
"Eventually, I approached her and said 'Wait a minute, Shirley - I've got an idea. How about you put down that box?'"
After explaining to McMahon that her name wasn't Shirley and that he was, in fact, a man named Vincent, the employee did as instructed. McMahon then had her escorted from the building and kept her cardboard box.
"I kept looking at it and thinking 'we could use something like this in our live action-adventure series'," McMahon continued. "At least Shirley was good for something. Ahah-ha-HA!"
Where were we? Oh, right -- the match.
The specialty bout, to be used only for the fiercest of grudge matches (or the next three-hour Raw, whichever comes first), will involve two competitors entering the ring. A 15-foot-high cardboard box sealed with a giant ream of packing tape will be lowered from the ceiling, forcing the competitors to fight it out inside the cardboard.
"Two competitors enter the box.... but only one can win!" the marketing material will say.
If successful, WWE plans to introduce an all-cardboard box match pay-per-view within the next fiscal year, tentatively titled Boxed In.
"Surely you can see the immense potential of this new match," McMahon said while paying for his tall mocha frappuccino. "And don't call me Shirley! Ahah-ha-HA!"