BEST OF BULLDOG
WWE Hires Temp Agency
To Shore Up SmackDown
Originally published August 1, 2006
(Stamford, CT) -- Faced with an unprecedented shortage of talent on its "Friday Night SmackDown!" roster, World Wrestling Entertainment Incorporated has hired the LaborFast Temporary Employment Agency.
"We here at LaborFast are committed to locating a steady supply of temps to work for WWE Inc." LaborFast President Roger Anderson said. "We're confident we can find people to suit all of their needs, whether it be clerical duties, data entry or… wait, what is 'bump-taking'?"
A rash of "liver problems" has prompted WWE to take approximately 60 percent of its active SmackDown! roster off the road, including but not limited to: Bobby Lashley, The Great Khali, Tatanka, Matt Hardy, Super Crazy, Joey Mercury, Kid Kash, Jamie Noble, Mark Henry, Stephanie McMahon, Christian, Daniel Puder, Zack Gowen, Big Bully Busick, Eddie Guerrero's Low-Rider, Michael Cole, most of Gymini, and three of the remaining Diva Search contestants.
WWE Chairman Vince McMahon is hoping that, by using temps, he can avoid the costs that come along with building up new characters for months, only to have them get injured.
"Quite frankly, I don't see a downside to this," McMahon said from his Connecticut office, while knitting a scarf for his new granddaughter. "The fans get to see several new faces on Friday nights, and we don't have to pay their transportation costs."
A busload of LaborFast temps -- pre-selected by Anderson because of their "willingness to work long hours and occasionally bleed" -- reported for work yesterday at the company's "SuperShow" taping in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Most of them, however, were less than thrilled with their first day on the job:
"I didn't appreciate getting the cold shoulder, simply because I didn't shake hands with The Undertaker," said Gord Creighton, a 37 year-old from Atlantic City who has a degree in business administration. "From that moment on, I knew my push was over."
"Creative said they didn't have anything for me," said Michael Ross, 24, who hopes to become an actor one day. "Why would they have hired me then?"
"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that Johnny Ace likes my look," explained Horace Batahni, a 25 year-old schoolteacher from Utica. "I just don't understand why they wanted me to defeat Rey Mysterio in my first outing."
"WHAT THE HELL DID ORTON LEAVE IN MY GYM BAG?!?" screamed Martha Sims, a 33 year-old receptionist from Parsippany.
In addition, at least one temp was said to have quit after being "ribbed" by SmackDown! announcer John Bradshaw Layfield in the arena's locker room area.
Legal charges are pending.
"Sure, there may be some minor hiccups in the integration process, but quite frankly, I still believe this new program will be a major success," McMahon said. "Well, for us, at least."
As a concession to LaborFast, McMahon agreed to loan one of his WWE superstars to the agency, which desperately needed to supply Microsoft with a temporary office administrator.
"Sorry, man, I can't talk right now. I have way too much paperwork," said Batista when contacted by Breaking News. "Has anyone seen the Felderman account? DAMMIT!"