BEST OF BULLDOG

TNA To Hold PPV At Theme Park

Originally published January 15, 2008

(Orlando, FL) - While approximately 97 percent of Total Nonstop Action wrestling's shows during the company's five-plus year history have emanated from Universal Studios, the action has been limited to what happens on Soundstage 21.

 

Until now.

 

TNA officials -- okay, fine, Jeremy Borash -- confirmed today that the company's April pay-per-view Bound For Destination: Hard Sacrifice will take place throughout the popular Universal Orlando Resort theme park, instead of inside the company's traditional eight-sided ring.

 

"TNA's competitors are so versatile that they're being suffocated by being kept inside a mere ring," Borash told Breaking News, likely while drunk. "Bound For Destination: Hard Sacrifice will show fans how TNA plans to re-define the wrestling industry."

 

Plans for the specialized format were put in motion several months ago when TNA writer Vince Russo determined that the ring was "just a freakin' prop" and that he could book a wrestling show anywhere, even in the middle of the Jaws mechanical water ride.

 

(Insert your own Shark Boy joke here.)

 

The scheduled main event of Bound For Destination: Hard Sacrifice, or BFD: HS for short, will feature TNA Champion Kurt Angle defending his title against "The Instant Classic" Christian Cage and "The Phenomenal" A.J. Styles, contested inside of the Men In Black: Alien Attack attraction.

 

In the weeks leading up to the pay-per-view, it will be revealed that Angle is really an alien, and to win the title, either A.J. or Christian must wipe his memory clean with a pen-sized device.

 

"This stuff practically writes itself!" enthused Russo, who wrote the storyline.

 

In addition, the entire X Division will do battle in the Woody Woodpeckers' KidZone interactive playground; they were originally slated to compete in the Revenge Of The Mummy attraction, but several competitors failed to meet the minimum height requirement.

 

Perhaps appropriately, Kevin Nash and Sting will duke it out aboard the Jurassic Park River Adventure ride, while TNA Knockouts Velvet Sky and Gail Kim are scheduled to wrestle in the auditorium for Lucy - A Tribute.

 

Still, some competitors were less than enthusiastic about competing outside of their traditional domain.

 

"I'm just not sure what this is supposed to prove," said Samoa Joe, while waiting in line for Shrek 4-D. "Also, you'd think that TNA management would have at least paid for our f*cking park admission!"

 

-30-

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