Remember WWF's Hasbro wrestling figures? Staples of the 1990s, these misshapen toys had tiny levers, knobs and spring-loaded limbs, and were "so close to the real thing, it's like being in the ring!" (tm Jesse Ventura).
We here at Wrestling Merchandise and Memories LOVE them, as well as their more recent WWE Retro cousins that Mattel produced. For the past six years, we've hosted a competition to determine the best figures.
This year's event is Retro Rumble 2021, a Royal Rumble-like event featuring 30 WWF Hasbro and WWE Retro figures. Check back each week and scroll through the photos below to see who will win!
WEEK ONE
Welcome, everyone, to Retro Rumble 2021, where we pit 30 WWF Hasbro and WWE Retro figures against each other. Coming out first is Wrestling Superstar Virgil, who somehow made it to the second-last position in the 2020 Retro Rumble.
That event was won by The Undertaker, whom we understand will NOT be participating in this year's event. Could Virgil have another miracle year? Let's see who drew entry number two....
That event was won by The Undertaker, whom we understand will NOT be participating in this year's event. Could Virgil have another miracle year? Let's see who drew entry number two....
Speaking of The Undertaker... by fire and brimstone, that's gotta be Kane!
And while Kane's CGI flames look kind of cheesy... let's be honest, they're just as realistic as half the stuff WWE has given us in the last year.
And while Kane's CGI flames look kind of cheesy... let's be honest, they're just as realistic as half the stuff WWE has given us in the last year.
Entries number one and two are in the ring, with a new competitor entering every... well, few panels or so. We can't exactly time this in terms of minutes.
The Devil's Favorite Demon and the former Million Dollar Champion are staring each other down.
The Devil's Favorite Demon and the former Million Dollar Champion are staring each other down.
Right off the bat, Virgil attacks Kane as though he's battling for breadsticks at the Olive Garden.
The former bodyguard's attack is having little to no impact on The Big Red Machine, however.
The former bodyguard's attack is having little to no impact on The Big Red Machine, however.
Kane lifts Virgil over his head to deliver a biiiiiiiiig chokeslam!
It may be all over for Virgil now, as the elimination appears to be elementary.
But wait.... we're about to introduce our next competitor! Three.... two.... one... and it's....
It may be all over for Virgil now, as the elimination appears to be elementary.
But wait.... we're about to introduce our next competitor! Three.... two.... one... and it's....
Razor Ramon!
The Bad Guy is here and he could make life miserable for everyone in the ring in this year's Retro Rumble.
Yes, that includes Virgil.
The Bad Guy is here and he could make life miserable for everyone in the ring in this year's Retro Rumble.
Yes, that includes Virgil.
Right away, Razor Ramon attacks The Big Red Machine!
I guess The Bad Guy subscribes to the theory of "try to eliminate the biggest guy in the ring" instead of "eliminate the guy who is semi-conscious on the mat first."
I guess The Bad Guy subscribes to the theory of "try to eliminate the biggest guy in the ring" instead of "eliminate the guy who is semi-conscious on the mat first."
Razor Ramon and Kane are battling for leverage near the ropes.
Meanwhile, Virgil is slowly making his way to his feet...
Meanwhile, Virgil is slowly making his way to his feet...
Will you look at that? Virgil has pushed both Kane and Razor Ramon over the top rope!
The Wrestling Superstar is as alone in the ring as he is at one of his autograph signings.
I'm told we're moments away from the next entrant. Three... two... one... It's.....
The Wrestling Superstar is as alone in the ring as he is at one of his autograph signings.
I'm told we're moments away from the next entrant. Three... two... one... It's.....
... Brock Lesnar! The Beast Incarnate is here and once again, we don't like the chances of Virgil here.
Lesnar entered at # 36 last year (there were 50 competitors in 2020) and he also went quite far in the match, eliminating many competitors.
Lesnar entered at # 36 last year (there were 50 competitors in 2020) and he also went quite far in the match, eliminating many competitors.
Immediately, Brock Lesnar attacks Virgil and folks, it isn't a pretty sight.
The Beast Incarnate is treating Virgil like a rag doll (or possibly a packet of meat sauce).
Looks like it's time for our next entrant, in three... two.... one.... It's....
The Beast Incarnate is treating Virgil like a rag doll (or possibly a packet of meat sauce).
Looks like it's time for our next entrant, in three... two.... one.... It's....
...Bret Hitman Hart is here! Can The Excellence Of Execution put a stop to Brock Lesnar?
Apparently not! Lesnar is dominating The Hitman in the early going, while Virgil just lies down in the corner.
Looks like it's time for our next entry! Three... two... one... It's....
Looks like it's time for our next entry! Three... two... one... It's....
...The Junkyard Dog! JYD looking quite svelte here for this match (or like a repaint of the John Cena figure, who knows?). Let's see what The Dog can do here!
Immediately, Bret Hart and Junkyard Dog team up to take down The Beast Incarnate! While they haven't managed to eliminate Lesnar, they're at least keeping him at bay.
Oh, look at the time! Time for our next entry in three... two..... one.... Here comes....
Oh, look at the time! Time for our next entry in three... two..... one.... Here comes....
... Jake The Snake Roberts! Will The Snake form an alliance with Hart and JYD? Will he turn on Lesnar? Will he attack Virgil, who is literally doing nothing but writhing around on the mat? Let's find out!
Roberts attacks Bret Hart and delivers a jarring DDT to the skull of The Hitman!
Meanwhile, on the other side of the ring, JYD can't match up with the power of Brock Lesnar, and he's been tossed out of the ring!
Meanwhile, on the other side of the ring, JYD can't match up with the power of Brock Lesnar, and he's been tossed out of the ring!
Jake The Snake is taunting The Hitman on the mat, while Brock Lesnar has turned his attention once again to Virgil.
Time for our next entrant in three.... two... one. It's....
Time for our next entrant in three.... two... one. It's....
... Tatanka! The Native American star is making his way to the ring! And (feel to free admit it), you're probably humming his "Yee yee yee yee yee yee! Yee! Yee! Yee! Yee!" theme song in your head.
Tatanka comes into the ring like a house of fire, delivering chops to anyone within close range. He knocks Jake The Snake Roberts to the mat. Meanwhile, Brock Lesnar has lifted Bret Hart off the mat.
Lesnar delivers a German Suplex to Bret Hart picks him up and tosses him to the ground below for his second straight elimination!
Time for next entrant. Three... two.... one.... it's.....
Time for next entrant. Three... two.... one.... it's.....
.... Jeff Hardy! As the Charismatic Enigma makes his way to the ring, you've got to give props to the art department at Wrestling Merchandise and Memories for giving Hardy such a funky entrance.
Jake The Snake Roberts lands a DDT on Virgil! But before he can eliminate the former bodyguard, Hardy makes the save and nails Roberts with a cartwheel kick.
Meanwhile, it's elimination number three for Brock Lesnar, as he's just tossed Tatanka from the ring. Time for our next entrant in three.... two.... one....
Meanwhile, it's elimination number three for Brock Lesnar, as he's just tossed Tatanka from the ring. Time for our next entrant in three.... two.... one....
It's STING! (tm Tony Schiavone). The legendary Sting makes his way to the ring and all of a sudden, this match got a whole lot more intere-STING (see what we did there?).
Brock Lesnar and The Stinger stare each other down in the middle of the ring, while Jeff Hardy, Jake The Snake Roberts and Virgil remain in the ring. Who will survive Retro Rumble 2021? Tune in to next week's instalment to see what happens next!!