BEST OF BULLDOG
Parts Unknown To Bid On 2014 Olympics
Originally published May 22, 2007
(Parts Unknown) - Move over Pyoengchang, South Korea. So long, Soichi, Russia. Get out of the way, Jaca, Spain.
Parts Unknown has just thrown its hat into the ring to host the 2014 Summer Olympics.
The mysterious nation -- or possibly island -- contacted the International Olympic Committee (IOC) last month and signaled its intention to compete among seven other countries vying for the event. Yesterday, a group of local politicians and investors launched its "Unknown in '14" campaign and ran advertisements in the area's major newspapers, including the Parts Unknown Tribune-Herald, to drum up support.
"For generations, our people have been overlooked," Parts Unknown Prime Minister Mr. Unknown II said during a press conference this morning. "We want this event to put us on the map.
"No, literally. We're not included on any maps."
The area is listed in Fodor's Guide To Parts Unknown as the world's fourth-largest home for professional wrestlers (The Ultimate Warrior, Demolition, The Mystery Assassin) behind the United States, Canada and Deepest, Darkest Africa. In addition, Parts Unknown has been home to several other athletes.
For example, The New Destroyer won football's prestigious Heisman Trophy in 1977. Maniac was the first face-painted member of the Manchester United football club in 1985. And The Anonymous Annihilator placed first in the men's 100 meter dash during the 1992 Summer Olympics in Barcelona, Italy (although he was later disqualified from the event for loading his mask with a foreign object).
"We are a diverse culture, which is what we want the IOC to recognize," Mr. Unknown II said. "We are not just masked people. Many of us wear warpaint, and never have the cultural differences divided our homeland."
Parts Unknown has two official languages, according to Fodor's -- English and Jabroni. The region's size and weight, according to the guide, are also unknown. Its official motto is "What happens in Parts Unknown, stays in Parts Unknown."
The chances of landing the Games in 2014, according to one unnamed IOC official, are "unknown."
The Parts Unknown Bureau of Tourism (www.???.com) indicated that tourism was up zero percent last year, but has the potential to rise by six-fold should it become home to the Winter Games.
"The Games were custom-made for Parts Unknown," Mr. Unknown II said during the press conference. "Athletes from all around the world will have no problem defeating our people. And we have plenty of generic-looking ski masks just sitting around for use on the downhill slopes."