Merch From '89

Merch From '89

Let's harken back to 1989, an era where the World Wrestling Federation was selling us the merchandise of Hulk Hogan, Randy "Macho Man" Savage, The Ultimate Warrior, and.... a bunch of creepy children acting as models.

Merch From '89

Case in point - the 1989 merch catalog had a ton of Hulk Hogan bathroom wear, such as bathrobes that were waaaaay too short on these poor, creepy kids. And hey, The Hulkster never ever wore a robe to the ring (unless you're counting his role as "Thunderlips" in Rocky III). Wouldn't this item be better marketed to, say, Greg "The Hammer" Valentine or Big John Studd, both of whom always had robes on?

 

Another interesting note here - the creepy kid in the middle with the Hulk-a-mug and red short shorts? That's a pre-teen Sheamus!

 

Okay, maybe not - but stare at his face for a minute and tell me it isn't at least a possibility!

Merch From '89

And - sorry.... what is a "bath puppet" anyways? You know it's a washcloth; I know it's a washcloth. Let's just call it a washcloth and be done with it! It's not like you can match it against an Andre The Giant bath puppet or anything - there was just the one in the line. Not sure why this creepy little boy (or possibly girl) would want to drop $5 on a freaking washcloth...

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Merch From '89

Speaking of items that no one would ever, ever buy.... WWF bumper stickers? Seriously?

 

I suppose if it were the height of the Monday Night Wars, I could understand someone toting an "Austin 3:16" or "nWo" logo on their car. But "Caution - this car stops at all WWF events"???

 

And let's not get started on the "If you look like The Ultimate Warrior, I'm available" one. So.... if I have a feathered mullet, tassels on my arms and boots and wear triangular warpaint on my face.... there's a chance you might be interested?

Merch From '89

Hey, you - creepy looking kid in the wifebeater! You wanna be a winner? No problem. Just strap on this ugly grey "WWF Championship Belt" that looks like it was designed by the Nerf Corporation, and you'll have women hanging off you in no time. And for only 12 bucks? How can you possibly go wrong wearing that in public?

Merch From '89

Ooooh..... yeah?

Merch From '89

And then we get to the WWF T's section, which in the past has been occupied by the likes of everyone from George "The Animal" Steele to Billy Jack Haynes. But the above two characters are both clearly heels at this point and quite honestly, didn't need their own merch to get over. 

 

Especially the one with Andre's hand and foot print! I mean, it looks cool now that everything is retro, but while he was still living? It just didn't make sense. And Jesse Ventura's tee looks like something you'd get at Wal-Mart.

Merch From '89

And finally.... we close with this absolutely ridiculous growth chart.

 

First of all - how many children do you know of that were even close to being seven feet tall? Was there really a need for this product out there? Let's put it this way... if little Jimmy is approaching 6 foot 8, clearly you have bigger problems than what type of WWF merch to hang on your wall.

 

But let's also talk about The Hulkster's proportions here. Yes, I realize he was, at one point, billed as being 6"7. That clearly wasn't true (considering Big John Studd towered over him) and it seems silly to mention that nowadays. But even if you bought into the fake height, his overall presence looks like he's four or five times the size of that creepy little kid who is hovering around the 4" mark. His right leg is essentially the same size as Little Jimmy.

 

Was this supposed to be a growth chart or an advertisement for steroids?

 

At the very least, you'd think they could have thrown in a complimentary Hulk Hogan Bath Puppet to make up for the size differential, no?

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