Let's Dissect The Hell Out Of The
2 Cold Scorpio Music Video
2 Cold Scorpio is one of those incredibly-underrated stars from the 1990s that never seemed to get his just due. He's best remembered in WCW from teaming with Marcus Alexander Bagwell, in WWF with the unfortunate gimmick of quasi-pimp "Flash Funk", and an incredibly-athletic mid-card hand in ECW and New Japan Pro Wrestling.
But why didn't Scorp fare better than he did? Perhaps his introductory "music video" that aired on WCW television hurt his chances somewhat.... click on the video below and/or follow along for our commentary afterwards, as we dissect the hell out of this thing.
Our scene begins on the inner-city streets of (most likely) Atlanta, Georgia. You can tell it's the inner city because the video is shot in black and white (with an annoying habit of random patches of the screen shot in color - if anything else captures the early 1990s better than this style of production, I'd like to see it.
With four kids on the basketball field, one of them squeaks "It's cool, man - shoot the ball."
"Man, I think I can make it but my hands are cold," says another kid. Or at least, we think that's what he's saying - there is a LOT of mumbling in this music video. This video is, more or less, the Hamlet of poor enunciation.
"Man, you can't make," mumbles the first kid; his version of trash talking, no doubt.
The camera pans over to a two young girls holding hands with an adult woman. The color square is only on the white girl -- wow, way to be racist, WCW -- as she whines, "You're gonna be late for school."
Ignoring the colorized white girl, the kid with the cold hands mumbles "I can make it; gimme this ball," as he prepares to sink a hoop that would make future WCW main eventer Karl Malone proud.
All of a sudden, a limousine shows up! It's gotta be McMahon, no? A hip hop beat begins playing as the color bar jumps around various parts of the limo, and the camera turns to the woman with the kids, who sings in the most annoyingly-shrill voice possible: "EVERYBODY, HERE COMES 2 COLD SCORPIO!"
Unimpressed by the limousine and the awful singing, one of the basketball players mumbles something to the effect of "Man, you can't sink it."
Cold Hands indeed cannot sink the ball, as it misses the net entirely, bounces on the curb and right through the awaiting sunroof of the limousine. Points for a cool trick shot?
As the annoying girls sings "TOO COLD - TOO COLD" in the background, our hero emerges from the limousine, basketball in hand. With two Funkettes watching from the sunroof, 2 Cold Scorpio runs onto the basketball court and slam dunks the ball - which is shown numerous times in NBA Jam arcade-style action.
"Man, that was too cold," one of the boys mumbles. Perhaps that's how he got the nickname? The other kids cheer in awe.
Decked in shades, Scorp turns to the boys and mumbles "Ain't you kids supposed to be in school?"
"Naw, man, we goin' to the game room," one of the boys mumbles. At least, I think that's what he was saying. He may have said "gay womb," though that seems less likely.
"What do you mean, the arcade?" Scorp asks (clearly, it wasn't gay womb, then). "You kids need to be in school, tryin' to get an education." I was waiting for him to start into a G.I. Joe-style PSA.
"Tell you what; I'll take you guys to school," Scorp decides, which begs a few questions:
Does Scorpio know where these kids go to school? A little creepy, no?
How does Scorpio know when school in that community begins? The little girl said a few seconds ago that they were GOING to be late soon, so clearly school hasn't quite started yet.
How is that any of Scorpio's business, anyways? Is Cold Hands his nephew or something?
Does Scorp just have his limo drive around from playground to playground, hoping that stray basketballs fly in through his sun roof?
"Are we gonna ride in the limousine?" one kid mumbles, to which Scorpio mumbles "Nuh-uh."
"We gonna (unintelligible)?" another kid mumbles, to which Scorp answers in the negative.
"Tell you what we gonna do; we gonna step," says Scorpio, just in time to see his Funkettes materialize on the b-ball court, and the three begin a choreographed dance to the shrill voice of "2 Cold.... Scorpio.... 2 Cold.... Scorpio."
Okay, a few more questions here:
Won't "stepping" to school make them even later than they already are? Let them take the limo, man!
Why is dancing to school any cooler than screwing off and shooting hoops and going to the arcade?
And of course.... what's wrong with these kids?!?! If they'd actually gone to school, maybe they would know that it doesn't make sense to follow a creepy limousine-driving stranger around.
Yeah, I'm sure he's taking them right to school....
The next scene is a flurry of activity. Clips of 2 Creep Scorpio's top rope dives and aerial moves are shown, interspersed with our hero dancing in front of a vintage 1990s green screen. At the same time, Scorp and his women are dancing with a group of kids that has somehow grown in number since the basketball game. He's like the pied piper of WCW or something. DON'T GET IN THE LIMOUSINE, KIDS!!!
And finally, let's discuss the lyrics to the "Here Comes 2 Cold Scorpio" song, probably written by the same team who did the WCW Slam Jam album. I will attempt to transcribe the lyrics, but please keep in mind that (a) I am not a professional lyrics-transcriber (b) I don't believe this has been attempted for online (at least, not that I can find through a rudimentary Google search (c) A lot of the words are very tough to understand.... even though no mumbling is involved.
Here Comes 2 Cold Scorpio
Everybody - Here Comes 2 Cold Scorpio!
2 Cold - Scorpio
He's got rhythm in his blood / Knows all the latest moves/ He's his own man / And he does his own grooves / Who's his opponent? / He don't care!/ Like the Gulf War, brother / He attacks from the air!
2 Cold (Too Coooold) - Scorpio (Scorpioooo)
2 Cold (Too Coooooooold)
He walks the top rope / and throws (Unintelligible) / If you wanna mix it up / (Unintelligible) / Dropkicks (Unintelligible) / In his repertoire / No doubt about it / Gonna be a superstar
2 Cold (Too Coooold) - Scorpio (Scorpioooo)
2 Cold (Too Coooooold)
He's loaded (?) / (Unintelligible) / To say who is it? / 2 Cold Scorpio
2 Cold - 2 Cold - 2 Cold
He's got somersault (Unintelligible) / Running with a star / (Unintelligible) in the ring / (Unintelligible) / Does so many things / To make it to this / But you better beware / of The Diss That Don't Miss!
2 Cold - 2 Cold