Any serious wrestling fan has probably seen at least a dozen television commercials featuring wrestlers over the years, featuring everything from Andre The Giant terrorizing a children's treehouse so he could have a bowl of Honey Comb cereal to John Cena and Mr. McMahon hawking Gillette razors.

 

But what about the superstars of WCW? Didn't they ever get courted by Madison Avenue? As it turns out -- they did! And like most other things from WCW, they're all sorts of f*cked up. Here are five such examples...

Sting's squash match with Timmy

 

Timmy answers the door of his house to see none other than Sting standing before him! The Man Called Sting has shown up on behalf of The Dreams Come True Foundation, and  guess what? Little Timmy won a contest to wrestle his hero. How cool! His mom and dad are thrilled, presumably because this is fulfilling the last wish of a child who probably has some sort of incurable disease (I'm assuming that's the only reason why The-Definitely-Not-Make-A-Wish-Foundation send Stinger out to suburbia)

 

After taking a swig of Sprite (which we're assuming is some sort of metaphor for life-preserving medication), Little Timmy is ready to lock horns with The Icon. But unfortunately for Hacksaw Tim Duggan, Sprite does nothing for his wrestling acumen, and he ends up getting his ass kicked by The Vigilante in a hardcore match around the house, all while mom and dad cheer and videotape the damn thing. What the hell? Wasn't Timmy dying?

 

After slamming Gail Tim through a display of mom and dad's good China, we learn from the announcer that Sprite only quenches your thirst -- it doesn't do shit for wrestling 250 pound dudes. I would have figured as much... but that's still a terrible endorsement for your soft drink!

He's Buff, He's The Stuff, And His Creditors Can't Get Enough

 

Buff Bagwell enjoys the finer things in life, and by "finer things in life," he means "beach skanks."

 

WCW fans can now order your official Buff Bagwell Mastercard, or they can get cards of Sting, Kevin Nash, Konnan, Arachnaman, etc. instead. Apart from exactly one person (Judy Bagwell), I can't see anyone else ordering that particular style of credit card.

 

In addition to discounts at The Nitro Grill, you can also get unspecified "benefits" which Buff Daddy strongly insinsuates includes being able to pay for sex with the beach skanks. Given Buffy The Bagwell Slayer later became a gigolo... I suppose the finish they booked makes sense.

Pizza On A Pole Match

 

Bill Goldberg and Meng are having a wild, hardcore brawl when, all of a sudden, they stop fighting to enjoy a Little Caesar's Pizza Break. The fact that they're breaking kayfabe and trading cards isn't nearly as shocking as the fact that Goldberg is selling for friggin' Meng. But still, a few questions:

 

  • Goldberg eats pepperoni pizza? I mean, I don't keep kosher either, but...

  • Wouldn't a more effective advertisement feature Meng biting the nose off the Little Caesar's mascot?

  • Doesn't taking a dinner break technically end Goldberg's streak?

  • No Crazy Bread? Are they insane???

Ahhhhhh, What A Roos!

 

The Road Warriors are destroying some hollowed-out cars in the junkyard, when the announcer accidentally refers to them as "Demolition" (check it out, not four seconds in) and then asks what shoes they tend to wear when they're demolishing shit.

 

"Roos," answers Road Warrior Hawk in the world's most disinterested voice, as he tosses said sneaker in the trash. I don't know; it doesn't seem like a ringing endorsement of the "shoes for your feet, pockets for your stuff" brand of footwear that was so popular with WCW in the early 1990s.

Soda Commercial Ends In Dusty Finish

 

While this is technically the NWA, it became WCW the same year this commercial was produced (1988), so whatever. 

 

In this advertisement, The American Dream Dusty Rhodes is singing the praises of soft drink brand Mello Yello. Um.... at least, we think he is.

.

As The Dream talks about "that fine citrus taste" (though, to be fair, he may also be cutting a promo along the lines of "that time and space" - hard to say for sure), he manages to bury competitor Mountain Dew like it's friggin' Flair at The Great American Bash '86.

 

Now... I'm no marketing guru, but I would think that if you want to get people excited about your product, you may start with someone who can speak a discernable language, and not a mush-mouthed cowboy who aspires to be "tag team champions" with a can of soda. If you weeeel.

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Wrestling Historian Mike Rickard