BEST OF BULLDOG
'Hundreds' of Steroid-Addled Jedi
Died Young, Calrissian Claims
Originally published August 7, 2007
(Cloud City) - Rebel Alliance General Lando Calrissian is making the talk-show rounds with a list that claims "hundreds" of Jedi have died before reaching their 900th birthday due to anabolic steroid abuse.
"Twenty-five Jedi that I battled alongside are no longer with us," a somber Calrissian told CNN's Nancy Grace. "If all those people were Imperial Senators, I'm sure their deaths wouldn't just be ignored."
Calrissian's death list follows the shocking double-murder of Sith Lord Darth Vader and his employer Emperor Palpatine that occurred at their headquarters shortly before it was destroyed.
Police are investigating Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker for the killings, and say that traces of steroids (also known as midi-chlorians) may have been in his system at the time of the deaths. Lawyers for Skywalker claim he killed Vader (his own father) in self-defense, and that Vader threw Palpatine down a reactor shaft prior to his own death.
"No one can say for sure what Luke was thinking that day," Skywalker ally Admiral Akbar explained. "We may never know what his mindset was."
Calrissian said names on his list include Qui-Gon Jinn, Obi-Wan Kenobi and That Red-Faced Guy With The Horns From Revenge Of The Sith. He added that most Jedi take steroids because those in charge of the Rebel Alliance want their warriors to "look a certain way" as they prepare for battle.
While newsletters such as the Pro Jedi Torch suggest Calrissian's claims are "bang on with the problem in the industry," others suggest the former Cloud City administrator is pushing his own agenda.
"Calrissian's list has more holes in it than the Mos Eisley Spaceport," said a Wookiee that asked not to be identified. "It's fairly well known that Yoda, for example, died of natural causes, and Ki-Adi Mundi had prostate cancer."
Some say that Calrissian is bitter because he's no longer an active part of the industry, while others claim he hasn't been the same since he gambled away the Millennium Falcon.