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Broadway Bound

Originally published October 19, 2006

Recently, I stumbled upon (okay, fine, stole) plans for WWE's brand new Dramatic Arts Division!!!


"This is an extension of the storytelling we already do," WWE Chairman Vince MacMahon said, um, when I called up and asked him recently. "Quite frankly, I'm surprised it's taken me this long to bring our action-adventure series to Broadway."


Without any further delay, here are some of the preliminary projects for WWE Musical Theater Productions, complete with brief synopses and sample lyrics:

Tommy Dreamer


This "Hardcore Wizard" overcame the odds and the disability of not having any talent, and turned his dreams into a career… TO THE EXTREME!!!


Sample lyrics:

Ever since I was a young boy 

I've worked the Bingo Hall.

From Philly down to Jersey 

I must have worked 'em all.

And even though our wrestlers

are, like, sixty inches tall

Those dumb, drunk and drugged guys

Sure know how to brawl!

The Booker King

The Booker King

Young Booker T learns the hard way that even though he just can't wait to be king, there will always be people out to topple him. Unless he stays on SmackDown, because everyone there sucks.


Sample lyrics:

Booker: Listen up, you peasants,

Y'all should kiss my feet.

I'm the King of the SmackDown world 

That means I can't be beat.


Sharmell: All shall hail King Booker!

I'll say it now once more.

All shall hail King Booker!

And no, I'm not a whore.


Together: And can you dig it, sucka, tonight?

It is where we are.

It's enough for this five-time - WCW Champion 

That we got this far.


Mamma Cita!

For the first time on Broadway… WWE remembers the legacy of the late Eddie Guerrero the best way we possibly could -- through a look at his storyline with his former valet.


Sample lyrics:

Eddie: Mamma Cita, here I go again.

My, my, how could I have liked you?

Mamma Cita, you look ripped.

My, my, how could I have kissed you?


Yes, I was young and foolish

But, I deserved one less ghoulish

Why, why, did I ever pick you?


Mamma Cita, now I really know

You, you, should have managed Big Show.

The Phantom Of The Austin

The Phantom Of The Austin

Former WWE manager Debra is haunted by the spirit of her violent ex-husband and Texas Rattlesnake Stone Cold Steve Austin.


Sample lyrics:

Debra: Last night, he flipped me off

Through shat-tered glass.

Said "Austin Three Sixteen 

Just whooped my ass".

Will I get stunned again?

Give me a sign!

The Phan-tom of the Austin is here… that's the bottom line.


Phantom: Come drink again, with me. 

Throw me, a beer

I don't trust a-nyone. I say, "F*ck Fear"

Look 'atcha in yer li-ttle dress!

WHAT? Ya gonna whine?

The Phan-tom of the Austin is here… that's the bottom line.

The Promoters

The Promoters

Wrestling promoters Mr. McMahon and the, um... product of his semen Shane McMahon purposely try to put on a show so bad that it HAS to lose money (umm.....).

Hilarity ensues when they constantly involve their family members… TO THE EXTREME!!!


Sample lyrics:

And now it's…

Springtime, for Linda, and Stephanie!

Spirit Squad is happy and gay.

We're growing all our muscle mass 

Don't like it? You can kiss our ass!


Springtime, for Linda, and Stephanie!

Stamford's a fine land once more!

Springtime, for Linda, and Stephanie!

Watch out, world

We're going on tour!

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