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BattleMania 4

Bushwhackers Tea Party

We've looked at various episodes of BattleMania before, the WWF comic book in the early 1990s that outlined such epic battles as Big Boss Man and The Undertaker fighting at a funeral homeVirgil being forced to defend himself against The Million Dollar Man in DiBiase's own mansion and The Ultimate Warrior trying to stop Sgt. Slaughter from an act of (possible) terrorism.


Here's another tale from those.... creative folks at Valiant Comics back in the day, this from the second issue of the comic book.


The comic "Victory At Tea" (Get it? Hyuk!) begins with The Nasty Boys in a fit of a rage at a gym. And no offense, but just the notion of Jerry Sags and Brian Knobs spending time at a gym should tell everyone right there that this is a fantasy scenario and not real life. Why are Nastyville's most famous resident all bent out of shape on this fine day?

It turns out that Knobs and Sags were invited to a New Zealand Tea Party, by none other than The Bushwhackers!


Instead of allowing the boys from Pitty City to get all pissy, their manager Jimmy Hart encourages them to use this opportunity to exact revenge on Cousins Luke and Butch. Not sure these teams were even in a feud... but whatever, I guess.



Our "B" story features a young punk by the name of Stephen (though he prefers to go by the name of "Slash" -- early 90s much?) being dragged to The Plaza by his grandmother so that he can learn proper etiquette and manners. This satisfies the BattleMania requirement of having one (1) non-wrestler being prominently featured in each story.

Back to the main plot, The Bushwhackers are breaking bread with The Nasty Boys in an effort to put aside their differences (which, I'm guessing were resolved in real life on a Coliseum Video match with a name like "Slam-page '93!").


Predictably, high tea turns into an unscheduled streetfight and The Nasties begin attacking The Sheepherders.


Meanwhile, the snot-nosed punk ditches his grandma to see what the fuss is all about. And - of course - The Nasty Boys just happen to be his favorite tag team. No love for Men On A Mission?

With Nana too busy cleaning her glasses to notice the MASSIVE BRAWL taking place right in front of her, Stephen/Slash gets a little too close to the match, and you know what that means, right? Sags is legally allowed to punch the eleven year-old in public. Only this time, Butch (or possibly Luke) rescues the little shit and saves him from the sloppy brawling of Knobs and Sags.


Oh, and it turns out that Granny not only knows who those hooligans are, but she's also president of The Bushwhackers fan club, complete with a camo baseball cat that she carries in her purse!


I need to call bullshit here, as talking wrestling with my grandmother (Bubby Bulldog) was a huge source of bonding for us. Yet Gran and Slash never had the WWF conversation before?

Meanwhile, Butch and Luke bust out the whole series of tag team moves that made them WWE Hall of Famers (if not for that.... well, you come up with a better reason why they're in there and WrestleMania 2 main eventer King Kong Bundy has never made it in!), laying Knobs and Sags unconscious on the tea room floor. This has to be the only time The Bushwhackers ever had a victory during their entire WWF career, aside from squash matches on Wrestling Challenge.


The owner of the restaurant can't believe that two guys in camo reeking of sardines and two mohawked punks in graffiti-style cutoff shirts would make such a mockery of his fine establishment. No problem, Luke (or possibly Butch) says: he takes an estimate of the damages and shoves it down Knobs' throat.


As The Bushwhackers waddle off in victory, skipping out on their bill plus untold thousands of dollars in restaurant damages, we go back to the blue-haired granny and her punk-ass grandkid. Even though she's thrilled that The 'Whackers scored a rare (house show) victory, she feels bad that Stephen's favorites got squashed.


No problem, Slash says - he's now been converted into a Bushwhackers fan. Probably because The Nasty Boys threatened to beat him up, but whatever. Another family bonding moment over WWF wrestling!


Also? How come Jimmy Hart never showed up for the tea party?

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